Part of me is screaming, "You should change the name of your blog!! You knew you wouldn't be able to write every day! Quit being misleading!!" :P The other part is whispering, "That's really retarded. Everyone knows life happens. The goal is to write at all..." I'm listening to the quieter voice, so I'm going to start off the day by writing (if I can manage to do that while trying to keep the kitten out of my hot chocolate).
It's been such a mountaintop kind of week for me. I've been in such an energetic, happy mood that it's still a bit unreal to me. But, happy mood or not, there's an underlying joy that's been revived, and I feel like the Spirit is feeding that joy every day in gentle, faithful ways.
I've been thinking a lot about holiness the past few days after the teaching on Sunday and then again on Wednesday night. It's funny: the teaching on Wednesday was out of 2 Corinthians 10, not 1 Peter...and it really didn't directly address holiness. But I felt like God gave me one of those lightbulb moments before church sometime that made a connection between the concept of holiness and the concept of meekness/gentleness that we talked about Wednesday night. I had already started thinking about how it is God who is making us holy, not by our own efforts to clean ourselves up, but by his sovereign grace and the regenerative power of the Holy Spirit at work in our hearts. And then I started thinking about love, and how our greatest commandment throughout the Bible is love. I know at first glance, I brushed it off as too simplistic. It sounds too much like a Beatles song to be biblical truth. But you know what? God is love. Says so in the Bible. If we are being remade into God's image, into the likeness of Christ (Christian = Christ-follower), into holiness, then what will be the defining characteristic of our lives? LOVE. Being holy as he is holy doesn't mean make a rule book and beat people over the head with it out of righteous anger. We talked about that on Wednesday night. Where did the church get off on its "holy crusade" of righteous anger? We're called to love one another!
"Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” John 13:34-35
"In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven." Matthew 5:16
He didn't say that everyone would know that you are my disciples by the way you yell Bible verses at people, heaping condemnation and our own judgements on them. He said love each other, and do the good deeds He's set out for us to do. Imitating the meekness and humility and gentleness of Christ means that we allow God's power to speak through our quietness; not that we try to *force* His kingdom by our own power. I'm so glad that Chris said that on Wednesday, because how many times have I gotten angry, hurt, and defensive, and used "righteous anger" to justify my angry words toward someone? I'm supposed to turn the other cheek, not stand up and defend my "rights." I'm supposed to use a kind word to turn away wrath, not yell an angry word to prove my point. I'm supposed to pray for those who persecute me, not scream at them on Fox News. I'm supposed to forgive as God forgave me, not hold grudges against those who hurt me. I'm supposed to love as God loves because I'm being made holy as God is holy! People won't see the loving, forgiving, truth-telling Christ in my life if I'm not loving, forgiving, and telling the truth in love. There IS a way to tell the truth with gentleness, meekness (power under control), and love, but we get so caught up in our own pride that we forget that it's God's power in us that does the convicting, not our indignant words.
Let's be people characterized by love, putting off words of hate, anger, and malice, and putting on the humility of Christ. Let the world see Christ in us: the Christ who forgives us and loves us too much to not make us holy.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Reflection #6
I'm almost too tired to string my thoughts together tonight; I've been yawning since 6pm. But jean shopping with Ali, Daily Show, Colbert, and "Amok Time" (the original Star Trek episode about Spock's pon farr, hehehe) have kept me pleasantly awake.
Today we endured our first lecture in "China and International Politics." *groan* It's going to be such a long class period every week. Fortunately, I think it's going to provide me with wonderful quotes for the semester.
"So, the Chinese were offended.....and there were demonstrations."
(speaking of the tendency of the Chinese to participate in spontaneous public protest) It amused me.
And now...I'm not really so pleasantly awake. It's quite painful to stay awake. So I'm going to sleep...
Today we endured our first lecture in "China and International Politics." *groan* It's going to be such a long class period every week. Fortunately, I think it's going to provide me with wonderful quotes for the semester.
"So, the Chinese were offended.....and there were demonstrations."
(speaking of the tendency of the Chinese to participate in spontaneous public protest) It amused me.
And now...I'm not really so pleasantly awake. It's quite painful to stay awake. So I'm going to sleep...
Monday, January 17, 2011
Reflection #5
So, as I predicted, I've fallen off the wagon rather early on in the race. I have chosen, however, to react not by throwing my hands up in despair, but by picking up where I left off. I get a lot of enjoyment out of writing these; they help me to "think on good things" in my life. (Philippians 4:8, my version)
This has been a super busy, but extremely pleasant, weekend with friends and family. I had forgotten how exhausting it is to be with people constantly, though. I really don't mean that in a bad way, but it's difficult to really convey what I mean without sounding antisocial and mean. What I mean is, I adore my friends and family, and I need time with them (more so than I need time alone; I'm too introspective) -- but it takes so much out of me that I have to take time to recharge before I can do it again. I realized that I've been with people nonstop since Wednesday night at church, going from church to the apartment and catching up with Ali, to class Thursday and Friday, to Chris's birthday party, to the Afterthought, to the bridal shop and shopping all day Saturday with Annie and her other bridesmaids, straight to picking up Leeanne to go to eat dinner with family friends, spending the night with her at my house, taking her to church with me Sunday morning, hanging out with my family Sunday afternoon before meeting Rachel and going to the Perspectives orientation Sunday night, meeting lots of classmates there, bringing Rachel back to the apartment to spend the night and chatting for hours Sunday night and Monday morning. By the time Monday afternoon rolled around, I stopped and sat down, and realized just how tired I was. I think it's one of the best kinds of exhaustion there is, though, because even though I'm tired, I know it's because I've been investing in relationships. That's always worth it.
I'm really excited about the Perspectives class. I feel like God is going to reveal some amazing things this semester, and I can't wait to start learning how to jump into what He's doing. He's already sparked so much life in me lately, reminding me of things I'd forgotten, opening my mind to things I hadn't considered or connected, focusing me on things more important than myself. I've had so many blessed conversations with good friends lately that keep me mindful of how He's working on such a broad scale and preparing His church for what's to come. He really is washing us with His word and making us His spotless Bride; how AMAZING is that? Speaking of which, one thing that really hit me this week was 1 Peter 1:15-16: But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: “Be holy, because I am holy.” What I learned was that Greek passive, present participle used for "be" in this passage indicates that we are God's workmanship: we are being made holy BY God. This is NOT a commandment to make a list of "holiness" rules and check them all off. We aren't being made holy by pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps. Not at all, it is the work of God in us. The more we are who we are in Christ, the more that holiness flows out in all we do.
Anyway, I feel like I'm just barely touching a thread of the hem of His garment...like I understand the tiniest fragment of the truth, but can't see the whole mosaic. It's so frustrating. I wish I didn't have to see through this veil. Tiny glimpses of Him blow me away; I can't imagine what it will be like to be in His presence.
This has been a super busy, but extremely pleasant, weekend with friends and family. I had forgotten how exhausting it is to be with people constantly, though. I really don't mean that in a bad way, but it's difficult to really convey what I mean without sounding antisocial and mean. What I mean is, I adore my friends and family, and I need time with them (more so than I need time alone; I'm too introspective) -- but it takes so much out of me that I have to take time to recharge before I can do it again. I realized that I've been with people nonstop since Wednesday night at church, going from church to the apartment and catching up with Ali, to class Thursday and Friday, to Chris's birthday party, to the Afterthought, to the bridal shop and shopping all day Saturday with Annie and her other bridesmaids, straight to picking up Leeanne to go to eat dinner with family friends, spending the night with her at my house, taking her to church with me Sunday morning, hanging out with my family Sunday afternoon before meeting Rachel and going to the Perspectives orientation Sunday night, meeting lots of classmates there, bringing Rachel back to the apartment to spend the night and chatting for hours Sunday night and Monday morning. By the time Monday afternoon rolled around, I stopped and sat down, and realized just how tired I was. I think it's one of the best kinds of exhaustion there is, though, because even though I'm tired, I know it's because I've been investing in relationships. That's always worth it.
I'm really excited about the Perspectives class. I feel like God is going to reveal some amazing things this semester, and I can't wait to start learning how to jump into what He's doing. He's already sparked so much life in me lately, reminding me of things I'd forgotten, opening my mind to things I hadn't considered or connected, focusing me on things more important than myself. I've had so many blessed conversations with good friends lately that keep me mindful of how He's working on such a broad scale and preparing His church for what's to come. He really is washing us with His word and making us His spotless Bride; how AMAZING is that? Speaking of which, one thing that really hit me this week was 1 Peter 1:15-16: But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: “Be holy, because I am holy.” What I learned was that Greek passive, present participle used for "be" in this passage indicates that we are God's workmanship: we are being made holy BY God. This is NOT a commandment to make a list of "holiness" rules and check them all off. We aren't being made holy by pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps. Not at all, it is the work of God in us. The more we are who we are in Christ, the more that holiness flows out in all we do.
Anyway, I feel like I'm just barely touching a thread of the hem of His garment...like I understand the tiniest fragment of the truth, but can't see the whole mosaic. It's so frustrating. I wish I didn't have to see through this veil. Tiny glimpses of Him blow me away; I can't imagine what it will be like to be in His presence.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Reflection #4
Yes, it's 1:49am, but I say that it still counts as my daily reflection because I haven't gone to bed yet (although I'm definitely tired enough to fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow). What a wonderful kind of tired this is, too. I started my day sight singing some new repertoire in choir (which other people complain about, but I think is pretty fun), and then Sarah came over and we all got distracted by Cristina Ferrare's cooking show on OWN. (Sadly, yes, the Oprah Winfrey Network -- but only because we were laughing so hard at her dialogue. For example, "I'm going to add some lemon now, because this soup has lemon in it!" Really. No joke. I almost died.) In addition to a good laugh, I also got some inspiration for new culinary adventures and made a grocery list. This trip to the grocery store has to happen tomorrow. We've put it off these past two days for some reason, but we can't go on like this. There's nothing in this apartment to eat. :P PB&J? Nope, no bread. Cereal? No milk. The stuff we do have in our pantry is so random that I can't think of a way to put it together. Beef broth, banana peppers, a handful of spaghetti, an avocado, pizza sauce, a few pieces of Laughing Cow cheese, frozen brussels sprouts, shredded cheese, and kidney beans. Not looking promising.
Anyway, after a little cat nap with the kitty, we all got ready and headed to church for Chris's surprise party. I was a little skeptical that anyone could pull off a surprise birthday party for our pastor -- of all people. He's one of the wisest, most discerning people I know. He can just look at you and...know things. But he didn't suspect a thing until he started unlocking the door. I enjoyed catching up with some friends I hadn't seen in a while, and wishing Chris a happy fiftieth, of course. He means so much to me and has blessed my life in such profound ways; he's honestly like a second dad to me (maybe third or fourth, I have a few).
Oh, I did realize something about myself as a direct result of attending this party. Surprise parties make me nervous, especially when I'm not in charge. It was making me nervous sitting on the couch this afternoon; I wasn't even AT the party! I was feeling panicky for what seemed like no reason, and I couldn't figure out why. And then it hit me. I'm weird.
The icing on the cake was hanging out at the Afterthought tonight, a music/bar/lounge in the Hillcrest district. I had happened to get an email about this show going on tonight, and the singer looked cute, so I thought, "Why not?" Ali and Sarah wanted to come, and David met us there. It was packed, but he was a funny performer and definitely a good enough singer to keep our attention, so we stood around until some seats opened up by the window (which was fortunate, because it was getting hot in there). Those turned out to be the best seats in the house. Over the course of our conversation with the woman at the table next to us, we discovered that she cared about us young people, and wanted us to know she was just like us. "Go out and have FUN!" she said. "Have a great time! Just hang on to your morals. God loves you!" It wasn't until she began to repeat all of this again and again over the course of her monologue that I realized the amazing irony of the situation. All three of us girls were stone cold sober. She was the totally wasted one. As long as I live, I will never forget the loving, and colorful, admonishments I received - in a bar - from this one Christian mom who'd had a little too much to drink.
Ahhh. What a good night. Good friends. Good music. Good laughs. I'm so thankful. This needs to happen more often!
Anyway, after a little cat nap with the kitty, we all got ready and headed to church for Chris's surprise party. I was a little skeptical that anyone could pull off a surprise birthday party for our pastor -- of all people. He's one of the wisest, most discerning people I know. He can just look at you and...know things. But he didn't suspect a thing until he started unlocking the door. I enjoyed catching up with some friends I hadn't seen in a while, and wishing Chris a happy fiftieth, of course. He means so much to me and has blessed my life in such profound ways; he's honestly like a second dad to me (maybe third or fourth, I have a few).
Oh, I did realize something about myself as a direct result of attending this party. Surprise parties make me nervous, especially when I'm not in charge. It was making me nervous sitting on the couch this afternoon; I wasn't even AT the party! I was feeling panicky for what seemed like no reason, and I couldn't figure out why. And then it hit me. I'm weird.
The icing on the cake was hanging out at the Afterthought tonight, a music/bar/lounge in the Hillcrest district. I had happened to get an email about this show going on tonight, and the singer looked cute, so I thought, "Why not?" Ali and Sarah wanted to come, and David met us there. It was packed, but he was a funny performer and definitely a good enough singer to keep our attention, so we stood around until some seats opened up by the window (which was fortunate, because it was getting hot in there). Those turned out to be the best seats in the house. Over the course of our conversation with the woman at the table next to us, we discovered that she cared about us young people, and wanted us to know she was just like us. "Go out and have FUN!" she said. "Have a great time! Just hang on to your morals. God loves you!" It wasn't until she began to repeat all of this again and again over the course of her monologue that I realized the amazing irony of the situation. All three of us girls were stone cold sober. She was the totally wasted one. As long as I live, I will never forget the loving, and colorful, admonishments I received - in a bar - from this one Christian mom who'd had a little too much to drink.
Ahhh. What a good night. Good friends. Good music. Good laughs. I'm so thankful. This needs to happen more often!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Reflection #3
I thought for a change of pace today, I'd blog in the morning before I did anything else -- just to savor the quietness and my last morning with a view of something other than a parking lot for a while. The snow hasn't really melted yet, which I'm happy about because all the roads are clear, but everything is still so beautiful and white. It is somewhere around 15 degrees outside though, and that's not going to make for a very pleasant walk around campus later.
I've been thinking about everything we talked about in church last night (well, I say that, but really I've been sleeping...maybe that counts). What sticks with me the most is what my friend Mishal said while we were checking in with each other and praying afterwards. I said, I'd like prayer for wisdom and grace this semester to know what to do with myself. And she replied, without skipping a beat, Sometimes it's not about doing, it's about being. I stopped like I'd just been slapped with a fish, except with a lot more appreciation, and realized that what she said really, really makes sense in light of the gospel. The more I "do," the more I manufacture, the more I try...the more people see Grace striving and working. The more I "am," the more I let the Spirit "be" through me in every moment, the more people see God.
Ephesians 2:10
For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
Because I am His workmanship, those good works flow out of my life. I can BE kindness, BE wisdom, BE generosity, BE grace, BE love, BE mercy. I can BE a sister, and BE a friend. It's who he's recreated me to be. It's not something I have to put on in order to DO something. He's already equipped me for every good work, and made me into a living, breathing conduit of his love. All I have to do is be who I am in Him.
And yet it's so challenging to stop thinking and doing and start being, living as one with the Spirit. God, help me learn.
2 Corinthians 9:8
And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.
I've been thinking about everything we talked about in church last night (well, I say that, but really I've been sleeping...maybe that counts). What sticks with me the most is what my friend Mishal said while we were checking in with each other and praying afterwards. I said, I'd like prayer for wisdom and grace this semester to know what to do with myself. And she replied, without skipping a beat, Sometimes it's not about doing, it's about being. I stopped like I'd just been slapped with a fish, except with a lot more appreciation, and realized that what she said really, really makes sense in light of the gospel. The more I "do," the more I manufacture, the more I try...the more people see Grace striving and working. The more I "am," the more I let the Spirit "be" through me in every moment, the more people see God.
Ephesians 2:10
For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
Because I am His workmanship, those good works flow out of my life. I can BE kindness, BE wisdom, BE generosity, BE grace, BE love, BE mercy. I can BE a sister, and BE a friend. It's who he's recreated me to be. It's not something I have to put on in order to DO something. He's already equipped me for every good work, and made me into a living, breathing conduit of his love. All I have to do is be who I am in Him.
And yet it's so challenging to stop thinking and doing and start being, living as one with the Spirit. God, help me learn.
2 Corinthians 9:8
And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Reflection #2
Good news! I didn't lose my head today.
That always makes for a good day.
No, seriously, my neck has been killing me lately, getting tense and stiff for no reason. I'm not stressed about anything, or at least I don't think I am, so I can't figure out why it's been bothering me. I went to the chiropractor today and it snapped rather vociferously; thus, I am thankful that I still have a head attached to my shoulders. And that my neck is no longer causing me so much pain. Maybe it will stay that way for a while.
Today we took an impromptu trip to visit some old neighbors of ours who have been raising a few rescued kittens. I've been thinking a lot about getting a kitten of my own. I've always really wanted one, and now just seems like the right time, because they're so therapeutic, and I really need something to love (and something that needs me). Roffles, our first cat, the cat that I convinced Dad to bring home, doesn't like me anymore, probably since I disappeared for half the year. So, I'm a little hurt (*sniff sniff*), and I told her I was going to replace her. :P Anyway, seriously, I've been really wanting a companion...and now seems like a good time. Mom and Dad will take it if I end up moving to some faraway place where I can't have a cat, so I don't have to worry about that. Fiyero will have a playmate, and then Roffles will have a...well, either she'll have a playmate, or she'll have a toy. Or an arch-nemesis. But hopefully a playmate. I didn't really click with either one of the cats we saw today though. Garfield was super playful and had a great personality, and Smoky Joe was a beautiful, cuddly Russian Blue, but neither of them really captured me. Mom said I'd know when I found "the one". Funny, she said the same thing about my husband. 0_o Hmmm.
Church was great tonight, but I'm still processing. I'll have to get back to you with my thoughts on that after I've slept on them for the night. All the yummy warm Indian food leftovers are in my belly and telling me it's time to sleep. I'll have to post those recipes...they were super delicious. Anyway, first day of school tomorrow. I'm really off now.
That always makes for a good day.
No, seriously, my neck has been killing me lately, getting tense and stiff for no reason. I'm not stressed about anything, or at least I don't think I am, so I can't figure out why it's been bothering me. I went to the chiropractor today and it snapped rather vociferously; thus, I am thankful that I still have a head attached to my shoulders. And that my neck is no longer causing me so much pain. Maybe it will stay that way for a while.
Today we took an impromptu trip to visit some old neighbors of ours who have been raising a few rescued kittens. I've been thinking a lot about getting a kitten of my own. I've always really wanted one, and now just seems like the right time, because they're so therapeutic, and I really need something to love (and something that needs me). Roffles, our first cat, the cat that I convinced Dad to bring home, doesn't like me anymore, probably since I disappeared for half the year. So, I'm a little hurt (*sniff sniff*), and I told her I was going to replace her. :P Anyway, seriously, I've been really wanting a companion...and now seems like a good time. Mom and Dad will take it if I end up moving to some faraway place where I can't have a cat, so I don't have to worry about that. Fiyero will have a playmate, and then Roffles will have a...well, either she'll have a playmate, or she'll have a toy. Or an arch-nemesis. But hopefully a playmate. I didn't really click with either one of the cats we saw today though. Garfield was super playful and had a great personality, and Smoky Joe was a beautiful, cuddly Russian Blue, but neither of them really captured me. Mom said I'd know when I found "the one". Funny, she said the same thing about my husband. 0_o Hmmm.
Church was great tonight, but I'm still processing. I'll have to get back to you with my thoughts on that after I've slept on them for the night. All the yummy warm Indian food leftovers are in my belly and telling me it's time to sleep. I'll have to post those recipes...they were super delicious. Anyway, first day of school tomorrow. I'm really off now.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Reflection #1
I've always shied away from new year's resolutions, especially those that require me to commit to do something every day for a year. I know myself well enough to know that I can't or won't do it every day, and knowing that it will be imperfect before I start is enough to keep me from starting. But, I'm tired of missing out on the experiences that could be had if I overcame the desire for that elusive (and impossibly) perfection and just reveled in the process. That's what life is, after all. A process. It doesn't end until it ends, and I can't just check out when its looks a little messy (or a lot messy).
So, before I get lost in too many metaphors here, let me say that my goal this year is, indeed, to write a blog post a day. I've been realizing that I really do need an outlet - a place to reflect, a place to share - and perhaps this will work. My intention is not to copy anyone, although I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who are planning to write daily updates as well. I just want to spend a little time every day reflecting on how I spent the hours I was given, who I connected with, who connected with me, what I enjoyed, what I accomplished -- but most importantly, how all of the tiny details of my daily life are held together and being transformed into future glory by the grace of God.
This past year has been a year of trial. I have faced challenges of an intensity I have never experienced before: building a life from scratch in a foreign country, losing my grandmother while abroad and watching her funeral via Skype, feeling physically ill more often than feeling physically healthy for the first time in my life, watching most of my social networks disintegrate or evolve into something I didn't recognize, experiencing a relapse of OCD combined with culture shock and post-trip depression, coming home to feel emotionally assaulted and betrayed in multiple relationships, and enduring a semester of mental and emotional instability. I had felt like the puzzle pieces in my life were starting to take shape, little by little, when I left. But when I returned to the States, I felt like I was looking at a totally different puzzle, and I was the puzzle piece that didn’t fit. I have never felt that way on so many different levels: spiritually, emotionally, relationally, physically.
I’m not ashamed to admit that it’s taken a whole semester of prayerful trial and error and Christian psychiatry to bring me to a better frame of mind. My physical and mental chemistry are challenging to live with, but I’m learning. And I think I’m finally coming to a more stable place, where I can be “okay” with learning. And from this more stable place, I am learning to see this past year through the lens of Scripture, namely 1 Peter 1:3-9, Romans 5:1-5, and Hebrews 5:8.
1 Peter 1
3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, 5 who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 8 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9 for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
Romans 5
1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
Hebrews 5
8 Son though He was, He learned obedience from what He suffered...
The trials I have experienced have not been “bad luck,” nor have they necessarily been punishment for something I did. These trials have been a refining fire used to purify me and to strengthen my faith, to produce perseverance and Christ-like character, just as fire is used to burn away the dross and produce pure gold. It’s a seemingly perfect comparison, except that God says my faith and my character are *more* valuable than gold. He places such high value on my character and faith that He would allow trials, and pain, and suffering to purify it. Even Jesus was not exempt from suffering; rather, he embraced it and He learned obedience from it. When He became subject to the intense refining fire of suffering, what came out of His heart? “Into Your hands I commit my Spirit.” “Not my will but Yours be done.” “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” “It is finished.” Holiness. That’s what came from his heart in the heat of the moment. What came from mine when the fires of unfairness, of pain, of grief and loneliness raged? Tears. Questions. Like Jesus, cries of "Why have you forsaken me?" It felt like He had, although I knew He'd promised He wouldn't. It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I realized why God forsook Jesus on the cross. It was so that He would never have to forsake ME. When the dross of pride, gossip, deceitfulness, discontent, lust, unforgiveness, and selfishness rose to the surface of my heart during the trials of this past year, He didn't have to turn away. He lovingly burned them away in holy fire -- because He is re-making my character to be like Christ’s. Praise be to my God and Father and to my Lord Jesus Christ for this unspeakable mercy.
I sense in my spirit that trials and persecutions more difficult than this are coming. But I thank God that I can cling to the “living hope” of His inheritance, of future glory. We all can. His promises never fade, even in the darkest of nights -- or even in the darkest of years. We truly can live with "inexpressible and glorious joy" as we are being refined and made ready for the day when Jesus Christ is revealed!
So, before I get lost in too many metaphors here, let me say that my goal this year is, indeed, to write a blog post a day. I've been realizing that I really do need an outlet - a place to reflect, a place to share - and perhaps this will work. My intention is not to copy anyone, although I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who are planning to write daily updates as well. I just want to spend a little time every day reflecting on how I spent the hours I was given, who I connected with, who connected with me, what I enjoyed, what I accomplished -- but most importantly, how all of the tiny details of my daily life are held together and being transformed into future glory by the grace of God.
This past year has been a year of trial. I have faced challenges of an intensity I have never experienced before: building a life from scratch in a foreign country, losing my grandmother while abroad and watching her funeral via Skype, feeling physically ill more often than feeling physically healthy for the first time in my life, watching most of my social networks disintegrate or evolve into something I didn't recognize, experiencing a relapse of OCD combined with culture shock and post-trip depression, coming home to feel emotionally assaulted and betrayed in multiple relationships, and enduring a semester of mental and emotional instability. I had felt like the puzzle pieces in my life were starting to take shape, little by little, when I left. But when I returned to the States, I felt like I was looking at a totally different puzzle, and I was the puzzle piece that didn’t fit. I have never felt that way on so many different levels: spiritually, emotionally, relationally, physically.
I’m not ashamed to admit that it’s taken a whole semester of prayerful trial and error and Christian psychiatry to bring me to a better frame of mind. My physical and mental chemistry are challenging to live with, but I’m learning. And I think I’m finally coming to a more stable place, where I can be “okay” with learning. And from this more stable place, I am learning to see this past year through the lens of Scripture, namely 1 Peter 1:3-9, Romans 5:1-5, and Hebrews 5:8.
1 Peter 1
3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, 5 who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 8 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9 for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
Romans 5
1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
Hebrews 5
8 Son though He was, He learned obedience from what He suffered...
The trials I have experienced have not been “bad luck,” nor have they necessarily been punishment for something I did. These trials have been a refining fire used to purify me and to strengthen my faith, to produce perseverance and Christ-like character, just as fire is used to burn away the dross and produce pure gold. It’s a seemingly perfect comparison, except that God says my faith and my character are *more* valuable than gold. He places such high value on my character and faith that He would allow trials, and pain, and suffering to purify it. Even Jesus was not exempt from suffering; rather, he embraced it and He learned obedience from it. When He became subject to the intense refining fire of suffering, what came out of His heart? “Into Your hands I commit my Spirit.” “Not my will but Yours be done.” “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” “It is finished.” Holiness. That’s what came from his heart in the heat of the moment. What came from mine when the fires of unfairness, of pain, of grief and loneliness raged? Tears. Questions. Like Jesus, cries of "Why have you forsaken me?" It felt like He had, although I knew He'd promised He wouldn't. It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I realized why God forsook Jesus on the cross. It was so that He would never have to forsake ME. When the dross of pride, gossip, deceitfulness, discontent, lust, unforgiveness, and selfishness rose to the surface of my heart during the trials of this past year, He didn't have to turn away. He lovingly burned them away in holy fire -- because He is re-making my character to be like Christ’s. Praise be to my God and Father and to my Lord Jesus Christ for this unspeakable mercy.
I sense in my spirit that trials and persecutions more difficult than this are coming. But I thank God that I can cling to the “living hope” of His inheritance, of future glory. We all can. His promises never fade, even in the darkest of nights -- or even in the darkest of years. We truly can live with "inexpressible and glorious joy" as we are being refined and made ready for the day when Jesus Christ is revealed!
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