Good reading

So I got yelled at, really yelled at, by a French Canadian today. Some teenage kid decided that I was to be the object of his rage because his card wasn’t working and even though I explained why, he still felt the need to vent his frustration and tell me all about how he put his money on the card and needed to pay his cell phone bill and he wasn’t going to give up his hard earned money to Mastercard and how I had to refund his money immediately. Over and over and over. On. Three. Different. Calls. “So you’re telling me you want me to accept that I’m going to lose my fifty bucks huh? Really huh? That’s what your tellin me?!” Yes actually…I’m telling you that I can’t help you because your card number isn’t even valid and I’m going to disconnect this call. *Release button* Only to get yelled at a few minutes later by a man trying to use his prepaid card for a casino transaction (all of which are blocked on prepaid cards, btw) accusing me of taking HIS money. It didn’t matter how many times I told him that I couldn’t mail him a check, and that it was his choice to put HIS money on HIS card, and that he still had access to it, he was adamant that I didn’t have the right to tell him what to do with his money. Fortunately, French calls aren’t recorded, so I just talked over him until he understood that HE chose to submit to the card’s terms and conditions I wasn’t going to listen anymore. He could do what he wanted with his money, as long as it wasn’t gambling. :P *Release button*

Gah. People. You might have one of the friendliest people in the world on the phone, but when you get money involved, the worst comes out in everyone—even them. I’ve always known that money was the root of all evil; I just hadn’t seen it come to life in such detail before. That said, I got pretty irritated when they took $250 out of my paycheck this week for a health spending account I didn’t enroll in this year. Fortunately, they notified me that the situation was corrected today, but the $250 won’t be refunded until my next paycheck. Good thing I don’t have to live off of it. :P

I’ve been thinking on my way home from work that I need to find a few regular hobbies to fill my time now that I have a regular schedule. Playing L.A. Noire and solving cases with my video game character is great, but I should probably have some backup activities for when all the cases are solved. I wish there were more places to go hiking around where I live, or at least places to walk or run outside in nature. There’s only a little bit of autumn left, and it would be nice to spend what I can of it outside. This winter though, I’m going to finish my France scrapbook and finish crocheting my afghan. It’s about time I finished something!

I’ve been reading “The Toynbee Convector” collection of short stories by Ray Bradbury during my slow times at work and LOVING it. I had almost forgotten that warm feeling you get when you read a perfectly turned phrase, like, “The sounds of the world wandered in through his hairy ears like static on a badly tuned radio.”

Or, “He drove out of town. He was supposed to be in New York in five days to talk over the play he didn’t want to write for Broadway, in order to rush back to Hollywood in time to not enjoy finishing a screenplay, so that he could rush to Mexico City for a quick vacation next December. Sometimes, he mused, I resemble those Mexican rockets dashing between the town buildings on a hot wire, bashing my head on one wall, turning, and zooming back to crash against another.”

Don’t we all have lives like that?

And…”He walked through the green forest and listened to the various silences there. Not one silence, but several; the silence that the moss made underfoot, the silence the shadows made depending from the trees, the silence of small streams exploring tiny countries on all sides as he came into a clearing.”

We all instinctively *know* that there is not just one silence in a forest, but “various silences.” But how many of us actually bother to *notice* it? Ray Bradbury does. Tis a shame this is a library book; otherwise, I would have marked up all my favorite quotes by now.

Like this one, “For the simple fact was that she was fifteen pounds underweight and he was always trying to get her to add a few pounds. And he was twenty pounds overweight and she was always trying to get him to take off more than his shoes.” LOL

I can never get enough good writing.

Thinking in francais

I almost started writing this post in French. That’s what a few days at my job does for me! I’ve only been on the phones for about a week and a half on my own, and already I can tell that my fluency is returning. I’m thinking in French, catching myself right before the words come out…it’s kinda fun…like being back from France all over again. I love the feeling I get every day now from learning just one or two more phrases or pieces of vocabulary that enable me to understand at least 20% more context the next day, or even on the next call. It’s like being immersed again, and I love it. I’m not so nervous anymore when my phone beeps and the stoic woman’s voice says “Prepaid…French.” I can understand the accent a lot better now and I’m even getting to the point where I’m comfortable enough with the card information and the language that I can make a tiny bit of small talk and not sound quite so machine-like. And the number of people who ask to speak to someone who “actually speaks French” is dropping, thank goodness! That’s a morale booster. Every person up here has gotten that comment though, native speakers included.

So I’ve been introduced to the wonderful world of insurance. *sarcasm flag* Yeah, the one time I try to enroll in JUST the flex spending account for health care expenses in 2012, they mess up my enrollment and start taking money out of my paychecks in 2011! I don’t know when I’m going to get the money back…now I know what people are talking about when they say insurance is a major headache. On the flip side, I do get other great benefits here, so I’m looking at getting a new Ford Focus, since the price with my company discount is comparable to the price of a used car. Makes more sense to me to get a new one with the longer warranty! I’m working on getting the rest of my bills transferred over to my name…a daunting task. Kinda scary, being out in the world, but exciting too.

Can’t believe that it’s already the middle of November. Veteran’s day, then Thanksgiving, then fall is over and winter begins. Everyone is already hyped up about Christmas, and I’m sure they probably think I’m a scrooge for saying it, but I’m not ready yet! Thanksgiving comes before Christmas, so why shouldn’t it be given a proper celebration? And why shouldn’t autumn should be enjoyed and celebrated while we have it? There’s no sense in skipping ahead!

Anyway, on a different note, if anyone is in need of a job, please let me know. I know of some really good openings right now.

Changes

So, a lot has changed in my life over the past few months. I thought maybe some writing would help me get a handle on some of these ever-shifting emotions. Fortunately, I have a loving family and friends who are helping me make the transition one step at a time.

I have to say first of all: God alone took care of every single detail of every transition I’ve been through so far. None of it ever made sense at the time, though; it just seemed like one insurmountable obstacle after another. So, the past few months have definitely been a test of faith. First of all, graduating this spring somehow shoved me onto the roller coaster of temporary jobs while my resume was floating around on the internet. For a while, I worked at Barnes and Noble, and then I added a full time job at a day spa, hoping to start making ends meet on my own. (Crazy thing, this real world.) I really enjoyed talking about books and current affairs with customers at B&N, and I actually miss it sometimes. I don’t miss the minimum wage paycheck though. I’m glad I had (and still have) my tutoring job to fill in the extra income!

So, where’s first twist in the roller coaster? Well, while UCA was promising to assign me a French-speaking foreign exchange student as a roommate, and another friend of a friend was promising to move in the week school started, I signed a lease for a three bedroom duplex, counting on my two roommates to move in as planned…only to have the university drop the ball and my other potential roommate have a sudden change of plans on move-in day. In a matter of moments I was stuck with $800 in rent and utilities to pay on my own every month with 2 minimum wage jobs.

I was really proud of myself for not freaking out. God has proven himself so many times that I knew everything would be okay. But it was still a shock. All of a sudden, though, a few days later, two new roommates appeared out of nowhere – just in time. It’s kind of like He knew…lol.

But then, I discovered that this roller coaster contained more than just twists and turns; this thing has some seriously intense loops and corkscrews. When I started the spa job, I thought it was going to be the perfect next step. I had decided to learn Farsi/Persian to make myself more marketable for a government job, since it’s a high-demand target language, and the owners of the spa I started working for are Iranian and spoke it fluently. I thought it was an open door from God for me to walk through, because the job just popped up out of nowhere after I’d been praying about new job opportunities to take. But, God’s reasoning was far beyond my reasoning, and it turns out that I wasn’t placed at that job for the reasons I thought I was.

Just a couple of weeks after starting my job at the spa, I realized it was much more than I had bargained for. It was like the Navy Seal boot camp for receptionists. No joke. Clock in time was 8:25 for an 8:30 shift: one minute early was unacceptable, one minute late/four minutes early was also unacceptable. I found out that they had sent girls home for that before. I also found out I was the sixth receptionist to enter training within 5 months, and “only the strong” would survive. We would get barked at for leaving a pen in the wrong place, putting out one too many clipboards, not picking up a paper clip, and even doing the wrong business in the wrong bathroom. We couldn’t even heat up anything besides tea or soup in the microwave. I started going home with stomachaches and my OCD symptoms and anxiety began to spike. I was on the verge of quitting, but the other sweet girls who were in training with me kept urging me to stick with it. I’m not a quitter, so I did stay with it, until one weekend, I snapped, and I couldn’t go into work that day. I followed proper call-out procedures according to the manual, but the boss texted me on Monday telling me that he had cancelled all of my hours for that week and that we needed to have a talk. I called him several times over the next three weeks, and even stopped by the spa to see if he was there, but he would not return my calls and wasn’t there when I dropped in. It was during that three week break that FIS called me and offered me an interview for a bilingual job. FIS was the first company to call me about my resume from Careerbuilder.com that wasn’t an insurance sales company, and I figured I might as well take advantage of my off days, so I scheduled an interview and a couple of days later, I was filling out new hire paperwork for a Fortune 500 company.

I called the spa, finally reached my boss, who had “meant to call me” for those three weeks, just to tell me that he didn’t think I was a “really good fit for the job.” I politely let him know that I was perfectly qualified but was already quitting anyway, and that I really expected more professional and respectful employee/employer communication, i.e. if he didn’t want me to work there anymore, he owed me a phone call to that effect. He was pretty quiet after that. He still offered to tutor me in Farsi…oddly enough.

Anyway, the environment there was good preparation for the structure here at FIS. I’m a call center representative, servicing prepaid cards in English and Canadian French, so punching in and out of the phones has to be pretty precise and so does my scripting. However, the environment is really nothing like the spa – thank the Lord – and everyone I work with is friendly! I have benefits here, insurance, perks, discounts…and the chance to practice my French every day I’m at work. I even get a discount off of Ford vehicles, which means that when I’m ready to get my own means of transportation, God’s already provided a way to make it feasible.

Now all I have to do is get ready for this whirlwind of a week: finishing up my shopping for Lindsey’s wedding this week (got a totally cute bridesmaid dress for $25 and I already had the shoes!), flying out to VA on Thursday for the wedding and a few days off, and then getting back into the swing of my new work schedule. And paying bills. And car shopping. And more grown up stuff. It’s exciting and scary…but I’m learning that every change and every hurdle makes me stronger. There are things that I can handle now with composure that would have had me sobbing in the fetal position just six months ago, and that encourages me to keep going. The Lord is my strength, and my shield, my fortress forever.

Reflections on a ball of fur

My life has become much more interesting with the addition of my baby feline, B'Elanna. (Yes, I'm a dork and I gave her a Star Trek name. :P But, I mean, if you really knew the character, you'd agree - it's a good fit. She's a little rough around the fluffy edges, feisty, vocal, and occasionally vindictive: just what you'd expect from a half klingon half human...and she's black calico.) ... Okay, I'm going to stop digging the hole now. :P

Anyway, after a *wonderful* trip to the DC area to visit my childhood friend (weird, I can say that now), Lindsey, and her awesome fiancé, Brian, I'm starting to get settled back in here in Arkansas -- wrapping up loose and very stressful ends with the apartment and my roommate, trying to find a new place to live after July 31, tutoring, and really trying to slow down enough to figure out what I'm doing with my life. I thought I'd have this happy feeling when I graduated, like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I'd have a degree! Just the opposite. I have a degree! And no job. At least when I was in school, I knew what I was focusing on. Now I just feel depressed and lost and I think the weight on my shoulders got heavier. And might I add that I despise the weather here? Just saying...I'm ready to move somewhere with less humidity so I can breathe and not feel like I need three showers a day.

Anyway, I think that instead of focusing on all that crazy stressful life transition stuff, for now I'm going to find out how to fix feline flatulence. Because I'm not kidding; B'Elanna has cleared a room more than once. I have never smelled a cat that could cut the cheese like that. Hopefully there's a cure. =/

Long lost reflection

So, it’s been quite a while since I updated anything except an occasional facebook status. I feel like my life has gone supernova: glimmering points of light, phases of explosive transition, engulfing darkness, screams silenced by the vacuum of inevitability, black holes of emotion, both the good and bad kind. (I guess there are good and bad black holes anyway.)

That’s the thing about supernovas. You never know exactly when they’ll occur or exactly what form they’ll take. All you know is that they’re powerful, unstoppable, beautiful and yet destructive forces of nature. I’d been expecting a change, a big change, in my life -- even predicting one -- but I think I was still expecting that I’d be able to control some aspect of it. I guess it will take a lifetime to learn that my life is not my own. In the midst of it all, I keep expecting life to “settle down,” and I just keep drinking Starbucks and eating donuts and driving with the windows down like life is normal. Now that I think about it, I guess it just is what it is.

I’ve learned a lot of lessons lately. Like, you can’t take a vacation from life; you just have to face it.

And just because someone expects something of you doesn’t make it the right thing.

Communication makes and breaks relationships.

You can’t force someone to feel the love you have for them, no matter how strongly you feel it.

People come into your life for a reason, and sometimes they leave, too, without a reason that you can understand.

My daddy was right: you can’t change people, but God can.

My families, both spiritual and by blood, are always there to catch me.

Not everything that looks like a big issue, is actually a big issue. And that applies to most issues.

You can’t put a time limit on the grieving process. It just happens when it happens.

My parents left me three of the greatest pieces of wisdom:
You don’t have to be “called.” Wherever you see God at work, that’s your invitation to join Him.
Do the last thing God told you until He tells you to do something else.
Expectations are tricky things, and uncommunicated ones only lead to disaster.

People who copy you or accuse you of copying them are just insecure.

Sometimes there really isn’t anything to say, but everything to do.

My toughest experiences are not only for my good, but for the comfort of someone else.

Feelings come and go, but real friends stay close and pray.

You can make it through pain you never imagined with Christ-esteem, but you’ll sink to the depths of despair if you’re holding onto self-esteem.


Just some things that have been on my mind lately. I think I'm going to get another cup of coffee and stay in my pajamas.

Reflection #10

Hahahaha. I have to laugh at myself. I'm just not very good at this. :P

This past week has been so infinitely amazing and crazy. Arkansas was hit by its own Snowmageddon last Wednesday, and our school was buried under 6-8 inches of powdery snow. The roads were completely iced for two days (which, by the way, makes for a lot of fun times in a Jeep). It really was one of the best snow weeks I've ever had. Annie came up to the apartment and got snowed in with me, so we watched movies, cooked yummy comfort food, and hung out with the guys -- doing donuts in the Wal-mart parking lot, sledding and skiing behind the Jeep in the parking lot, swing dancing on ice, blasting the stereo with the windows down and snow blowing in our faces (granted, that was cold, but the windows fogged if we left them up), eating soup and chili and popcorn, and playing hilarious board games. I couldn't have asked for a better time to relax, connect, and enjoy my friends. I'm so thankful that we can't do life alone; we need each other.

I've been learning lots from my brothers and sisters, from the Holy Spirit, and from the Perspectives class -- mostly an ever-increasing clarity about the direction my life is meant to take. While I don't have specific details, I do have general ideas and impressions that are helping to guide me in the character development, relationships, and projects I pursue right now: finishing my degree, learning about missions and unreached people groups, growing in spiritual gifting and maturity as a part of the unified body of Christ, dealing with conflict, developing relationships. God is continually providing people at the right place and the right time, and seemingly “coincidental” ideas and themes that pop up over and over in completely different areas of my life. I love it when He really does tell me what to pay attention to. It makes me wonder why I ever doubt that He’ll direct my steps, because HELLO...He’s GOD. Of course He can get my attention. He knows just what to do and what to say.

So, in light of that, I think it’s kind of interesting that my project for Perspectives is doing research on an unreached people group and developing a possible strategy for reaching out to them. Chris has just started talking about feeling led to pray for and possibly plant a church within an unreached people group somewhere in the world, and we’ve all begun to pay attention to and pray more consistently for persecuted Christians, missionaries, and those who haven’t heard the gospel. I don’t really think it’s a coincidence. I feel like God is stirring me, and a lot of people around me, in this awareness. So now, I’m just trying to keep my eyes open to whatever God has for me to do. We shall see. :)

Reflection #9

This made me smile.

Matthew 5

43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47 And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? 48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

This is the Church. We are God's people. The world will know us by how we love.

Reflection #8

Wow, too many thoughts, too little time. Or at least that's my perception. I'm sure it's not actually true. I just get overwhelmed when my mind is actually awake: creating, processing, imagining and solving. If you've ever seen one of those rock polishing sets where you dump jagged chunks of rock into the tumbler and let them bounce around for a while before they come out as shiny and beautiful orbs of color, you've seen how my mind works. I'm constantly throwing sharp rocks inside my head (a great idea...) and shaking them up (or letting God shake them up) until they are somehow transformed into attractive, useful thoughts that I can express. (This is why I need a blog: so that I'm not constantly dumping my shiny rocks on whoever will listen! lol) I’m pretty sure Ali usually has to dig out from under a pile of them before she can go to bed, anyway.

One rock that's been bouncing around for a while came from a conversation I had with Kendra recently about friendship, the topic of her honors thesis project. We started talking about how we tend to want our friends to choose us -- essentially because it makes us feel wanted and needed and affirmed for who we are. I realized that it's definitely a natural tendency for me, too, to have a desire for people to want me and need me. Who doesn’t?

But, whenever I realize that I have a natural tendency, that’s usually a red flag for me. That realization always puts me on alert, because I have to wonder: have I discovered one of those natural tendencies that needs to be transformed into Christ-like character? In this case, I think I have. We receive the love of God so that we can love. Can we be secure enough in Christ’s love to feel affirmed, even if our friends haven’t called us as much as we would have liked this week? Could we even be secure enough to go first in extending that love to them? Waiting around for someone to love you seems kind of silly when you know that you’re already loved with an unconditional and everlasting love, and you have the ability to give that gift to another person.

So, instead of bemoaning the fact that we wish our friends would call us and waiting for them to take the step to let us know that we’re wanted and needed, we should be the ones stepping out to let them know that we want and need them. Imagine the joy in their hearts when they realize that someone has gone out of their way to let them know they’re loved -- even though they don’t think they’ve done anything to deserve it. What could be a clearer representation of Christ-like love? Friendships are a way to share the love of Christ with others, which means living humbly and putting the needs and interests of others ahead of our own. (Philippians 2) How beautiful would it be if we started living out this kind of humble love with our friends?

Reflection #7

Part of me is screaming, "You should change the name of your blog!! You knew you wouldn't be able to write every day! Quit being misleading!!" :P The other part is whispering, "That's really retarded. Everyone knows life happens. The goal is to write at all..." I'm listening to the quieter voice, so I'm going to start off the day by writing (if I can manage to do that while trying to keep the kitten out of my hot chocolate).

It's been such a mountaintop kind of week for me. I've been in such an energetic, happy mood that it's still a bit unreal to me. But, happy mood or not, there's an underlying joy that's been revived, and I feel like the Spirit is feeding that joy every day in gentle, faithful ways.

I've been thinking a lot about holiness the past few days after the teaching on Sunday and then again on Wednesday night. It's funny: the teaching on Wednesday was out of 2 Corinthians 10, not 1 Peter...and it really didn't directly address holiness. But I felt like God gave me one of those lightbulb moments before church sometime that made a connection between the concept of holiness and the concept of meekness/gentleness that we talked about Wednesday night. I had already started thinking about how it is God who is making us holy, not by our own efforts to clean ourselves up, but by his sovereign grace and the regenerative power of the Holy Spirit at work in our hearts. And then I started thinking about love, and how our greatest commandment throughout the Bible is love. I know at first glance, I brushed it off as too simplistic. It sounds too much like a Beatles song to be biblical truth. But you know what? God is love. Says so in the Bible. If we are being remade into God's image, into the likeness of Christ (Christian = Christ-follower), into holiness, then what will be the defining characteristic of our lives? LOVE. Being holy as he is holy doesn't mean make a rule book and beat people over the head with it out of righteous anger. We talked about that on Wednesday night. Where did the church get off on its "holy crusade" of righteous anger? We're called to love one another!

"Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” John 13:34-35

"In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven." Matthew 5:16

He didn't say that everyone would know that you are my disciples by the way you yell Bible verses at people, heaping condemnation and our own judgements on them. He said love each other, and do the good deeds He's set out for us to do. Imitating the meekness and humility and gentleness of Christ means that we allow God's power to speak through our quietness; not that we try to *force* His kingdom by our own power. I'm so glad that Chris said that on Wednesday, because how many times have I gotten angry, hurt, and defensive, and used "righteous anger" to justify my angry words toward someone? I'm supposed to turn the other cheek, not stand up and defend my "rights." I'm supposed to use a kind word to turn away wrath, not yell an angry word to prove my point. I'm supposed to pray for those who persecute me, not scream at them on Fox News. I'm supposed to forgive as God forgave me, not hold grudges against those who hurt me. I'm supposed to love as God loves because I'm being made holy as God is holy! People won't see the loving, forgiving, truth-telling Christ in my life if I'm not loving, forgiving, and telling the truth in love. There IS a way to tell the truth with gentleness, meekness (power under control), and love, but we get so caught up in our own pride that we forget that it's God's power in us that does the convicting, not our indignant words.

Let's be people characterized by love, putting off words of hate, anger, and malice, and putting on the humility of Christ. Let the world see Christ in us: the Christ who forgives us and loves us too much to not make us holy.

Reflection #6

I'm almost too tired to string my thoughts together tonight; I've been yawning since 6pm. But jean shopping with Ali, Daily Show, Colbert, and "Amok Time" (the original Star Trek episode about Spock's pon farr, hehehe) have kept me pleasantly awake.

Today we endured our first lecture in "China and International Politics." *groan* It's going to be such a long class period every week. Fortunately, I think it's going to provide me with wonderful quotes for the semester.

"So, the Chinese were offended.....and there were demonstrations."

(speaking of the tendency of the Chinese to participate in spontaneous public protest) It amused me.

And now...I'm not really so pleasantly awake. It's quite painful to stay awake. So I'm going to sleep...

Reflection #5

So, as I predicted, I've fallen off the wagon rather early on in the race. I have chosen, however, to react not by throwing my hands up in despair, but by picking up where I left off. I get a lot of enjoyment out of writing these; they help me to "think on good things" in my life. (Philippians 4:8, my version)

This has been a super busy, but extremely pleasant, weekend with friends and family. I had forgotten how exhausting it is to be with people constantly, though. I really don't mean that in a bad way, but it's difficult to really convey what I mean without sounding antisocial and mean. What I mean is, I adore my friends and family, and I need time with them (more so than I need time alone; I'm too introspective) -- but it takes so much out of me that I have to take time to recharge before I can do it again. I realized that I've been with people nonstop since Wednesday night at church, going from church to the apartment and catching up with Ali, to class Thursday and Friday, to Chris's birthday party, to the Afterthought, to the bridal shop and shopping all day Saturday with Annie and her other bridesmaids, straight to picking up Leeanne to go to eat dinner with family friends, spending the night with her at my house, taking her to church with me Sunday morning, hanging out with my family Sunday afternoon before meeting Rachel and going to the Perspectives orientation Sunday night, meeting lots of classmates there, bringing Rachel back to the apartment to spend the night and chatting for hours Sunday night and Monday morning. By the time Monday afternoon rolled around, I stopped and sat down, and realized just how tired I was. I think it's one of the best kinds of exhaustion there is, though, because even though I'm tired, I know it's because I've been investing in relationships. That's always worth it.

I'm really excited about the Perspectives class. I feel like God is going to reveal some amazing things this semester, and I can't wait to start learning how to jump into what He's doing. He's already sparked so much life in me lately, reminding me of things I'd forgotten, opening my mind to things I hadn't considered or connected, focusing me on things more important than myself. I've had so many blessed conversations with good friends lately that keep me mindful of how He's working on such a broad scale and preparing His church for what's to come. He really is washing us with His word and making us His spotless Bride; how AMAZING is that? Speaking of which, one thing that really hit me this week was 1 Peter 1:15-16: But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: “Be holy, because I am holy.” What I learned was that Greek passive, present participle used for "be" in this passage indicates that we are God's workmanship: we are being made holy BY God. This is NOT a commandment to make a list of "holiness" rules and check them all off. We aren't being made holy by pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps. Not at all, it is the work of God in us. The more we are who we are in Christ, the more that holiness flows out in all we do.

Anyway, I feel like I'm just barely touching a thread of the hem of His garment...like I understand the tiniest fragment of the truth, but can't see the whole mosaic. It's so frustrating. I wish I didn't have to see through this veil. Tiny glimpses of Him blow me away; I can't imagine what it will be like to be in His presence.

Reflection #4

Yes, it's 1:49am, but I say that it still counts as my daily reflection because I haven't gone to bed yet (although I'm definitely tired enough to fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow). What a wonderful kind of tired this is, too. I started my day sight singing some new repertoire in choir (which other people complain about, but I think is pretty fun), and then Sarah came over and we all got distracted by Cristina Ferrare's cooking show on OWN. (Sadly, yes, the Oprah Winfrey Network -- but only because we were laughing so hard at her dialogue. For example, "I'm going to add some lemon now, because this soup has lemon in it!" Really. No joke. I almost died.) In addition to a good laugh, I also got some inspiration for new culinary adventures and made a grocery list. This trip to the grocery store has to happen tomorrow. We've put it off these past two days for some reason, but we can't go on like this. There's nothing in this apartment to eat. :P PB&J? Nope, no bread. Cereal? No milk. The stuff we do have in our pantry is so random that I can't think of a way to put it together. Beef broth, banana peppers, a handful of spaghetti, an avocado, pizza sauce, a few pieces of Laughing Cow cheese, frozen brussels sprouts, shredded cheese, and kidney beans. Not looking promising.

Anyway, after a little cat nap with the kitty, we all got ready and headed to church for Chris's surprise party. I was a little skeptical that anyone could pull off a surprise birthday party for our pastor -- of all people. He's one of the wisest, most discerning people I know. He can just look at you and...know things. But he didn't suspect a thing until he started unlocking the door. I enjoyed catching up with some friends I hadn't seen in a while, and wishing Chris a happy fiftieth, of course. He means so much to me and has blessed my life in such profound ways; he's honestly like a second dad to me (maybe third or fourth, I have a few).

Oh, I did realize something about myself as a direct result of attending this party. Surprise parties make me nervous, especially when I'm not in charge. It was making me nervous sitting on the couch this afternoon; I wasn't even AT the party! I was feeling panicky for what seemed like no reason, and I couldn't figure out why. And then it hit me. I'm weird.

The icing on the cake was hanging out at the Afterthought tonight, a music/bar/lounge in the Hillcrest district. I had happened to get an email about this show going on tonight, and the singer looked cute, so I thought, "Why not?" Ali and Sarah wanted to come, and David met us there. It was packed, but he was a funny performer and definitely a good enough singer to keep our attention, so we stood around until some seats opened up by the window (which was fortunate, because it was getting hot in there). Those turned out to be the best seats in the house. Over the course of our conversation with the woman at the table next to us, we discovered that she cared about us young people, and wanted us to know she was just like us. "Go out and have FUN!" she said. "Have a great time! Just hang on to your morals. God loves you!" It wasn't until she began to repeat all of this again and again over the course of her monologue that I realized the amazing irony of the situation. All three of us girls were stone cold sober. She was the totally wasted one. As long as I live, I will never forget the loving, and colorful, admonishments I received - in a bar - from this one Christian mom who'd had a little too much to drink.

Ahhh. What a good night. Good friends. Good music. Good laughs. I'm so thankful. This needs to happen more often!

Reflection #3

I thought for a change of pace today, I'd blog in the morning before I did anything else -- just to savor the quietness and my last morning with a view of something other than a parking lot for a while. The snow hasn't really melted yet, which I'm happy about because all the roads are clear, but everything is still so beautiful and white. It is somewhere around 15 degrees outside though, and that's not going to make for a very pleasant walk around campus later.

I've been thinking about everything we talked about in church last night (well, I say that, but really I've been sleeping...maybe that counts). What sticks with me the most is what my friend Mishal said while we were checking in with each other and praying afterwards. I said, I'd like prayer for wisdom and grace this semester to know what to do with myself. And she replied, without skipping a beat, Sometimes it's not about doing, it's about being. I stopped like I'd just been slapped with a fish, except with a lot more appreciation, and realized that what she said really, really makes sense in light of the gospel. The more I "do," the more I manufacture, the more I try...the more people see Grace striving and working. The more I "am," the more I let the Spirit "be" through me in every moment, the more people see God.

Ephesians 2:10
For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Because I am His workmanship, those good works flow out of my life. I can BE kindness, BE wisdom, BE generosity, BE grace, BE love, BE mercy. I can BE a sister, and BE a friend. It's who he's recreated me to be. It's not something I have to put on in order to DO something. He's already equipped me for every good work, and made me into a living, breathing conduit of his love. All I have to do is be who I am in Him.

And yet it's so challenging to stop thinking and doing and start being, living as one with the Spirit. God, help me learn.

2 Corinthians 9:8
And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.

Reflection #2

Good news! I didn't lose my head today.

That always makes for a good day.

No, seriously, my neck has been killing me lately, getting tense and stiff for no reason. I'm not stressed about anything, or at least I don't think I am, so I can't figure out why it's been bothering me. I went to the chiropractor today and it snapped rather vociferously; thus, I am thankful that I still have a head attached to my shoulders. And that my neck is no longer causing me so much pain. Maybe it will stay that way for a while.

Today we took an impromptu trip to visit some old neighbors of ours who have been raising a few rescued kittens. I've been thinking a lot about getting a kitten of my own. I've always really wanted one, and now just seems like the right time, because they're so therapeutic, and I really need something to love (and something that needs me). Roffles, our first cat, the cat that I convinced Dad to bring home, doesn't like me anymore, probably since I disappeared for half the year. So, I'm a little hurt (*sniff sniff*), and I told her I was going to replace her. :P Anyway, seriously, I've been really wanting a companion...and now seems like a good time. Mom and Dad will take it if I end up moving to some faraway place where I can't have a cat, so I don't have to worry about that. Fiyero will have a playmate, and then Roffles will have a...well, either she'll have a playmate, or she'll have a toy. Or an arch-nemesis. But hopefully a playmate. I didn't really click with either one of the cats we saw today though. Garfield was super playful and had a great personality, and Smoky Joe was a beautiful, cuddly Russian Blue, but neither of them really captured me. Mom said I'd know when I found "the one". Funny, she said the same thing about my husband. 0_o Hmmm.

Church was great tonight, but I'm still processing. I'll have to get back to you with my thoughts on that after I've slept on them for the night. All the yummy warm Indian food leftovers are in my belly and telling me it's time to sleep. I'll have to post those recipes...they were super delicious. Anyway, first day of school tomorrow. I'm really off now.

Reflection #1

I've always shied away from new year's resolutions, especially those that require me to commit to do something every day for a year. I know myself well enough to know that I can't or won't do it every day, and knowing that it will be imperfect before I start is enough to keep me from starting. But, I'm tired of missing out on the experiences that could be had if I overcame the desire for that elusive (and impossibly) perfection and just reveled in the process. That's what life is, after all. A process. It doesn't end until it ends, and I can't just check out when its looks a little messy (or a lot messy).

So, before I get lost in too many metaphors here, let me say that my goal this year is, indeed, to write a blog post a day. I've been realizing that I really do need an outlet - a place to reflect, a place to share - and perhaps this will work. My intention is not to copy anyone, although I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who are planning to write daily updates as well. I just want to spend a little time every day reflecting on how I spent the hours I was given, who I connected with, who connected with me, what I enjoyed, what I accomplished -- but most importantly, how all of the tiny details of my daily life are held together and being transformed into future glory by the grace of God.

This past year has been a year of trial. I have faced challenges of an intensity I have never experienced before: building a life from scratch in a foreign country, losing my grandmother while abroad and watching her funeral via Skype, feeling physically ill more often than feeling physically healthy for the first time in my life, watching most of my social networks disintegrate or evolve into something I didn't recognize, experiencing a relapse of OCD combined with culture shock and post-trip depression, coming home to feel emotionally assaulted and betrayed in multiple relationships, and enduring a semester of mental and emotional instability. I had felt like the puzzle pieces in my life were starting to take shape, little by little, when I left. But when I returned to the States, I felt like I was looking at a totally different puzzle, and I was the puzzle piece that didn’t fit. I have never felt that way on so many different levels: spiritually, emotionally, relationally, physically.

I’m not ashamed to admit that it’s taken a whole semester of prayerful trial and error and Christian psychiatry to bring me to a better frame of mind. My physical and mental chemistry are challenging to live with, but I’m learning. And I think I’m finally coming to a more stable place, where I can be “okay” with learning. And from this more stable place, I am learning to see this past year through the lens of Scripture, namely 1 Peter 1:3-9, Romans 5:1-5, and Hebrews 5:8.

1 Peter 1
3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, 5 who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 8 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9 for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

Romans 5
1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Hebrews 5
8 Son though He was, He learned obedience from what He suffered...

The trials I have experienced have not been “bad luck,” nor have they necessarily been punishment for something I did. These trials have been a refining fire used to purify me and to strengthen my faith, to produce perseverance and Christ-like character, just as fire is used to burn away the dross and produce pure gold. It’s a seemingly perfect comparison, except that God says my faith and my character are *more* valuable than gold. He places such high value on my character and faith that He would allow trials, and pain, and suffering to purify it. Even Jesus was not exempt from suffering; rather, he embraced it and He learned obedience from it. When He became subject to the intense refining fire of suffering, what came out of His heart? “Into Your hands I commit my Spirit.” “Not my will but Yours be done.” “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” “It is finished.” Holiness. That’s what came from his heart in the heat of the moment. What came from mine when the fires of unfairness, of pain, of grief and loneliness raged? Tears. Questions. Like Jesus, cries of "Why have you forsaken me?" It felt like He had, although I knew He'd promised He wouldn't. It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I realized why God forsook Jesus on the cross. It was so that He would never have to forsake ME. When the dross of pride, gossip, deceitfulness, discontent, lust, unforgiveness, and selfishness rose to the surface of my heart during the trials of this past year, He didn't have to turn away. He lovingly burned them away in holy fire -- because He is re-making my character to be like Christ’s. Praise be to my God and Father and to my Lord Jesus Christ for this unspeakable mercy.

I sense in my spirit that trials and persecutions more difficult than this are coming. But I thank God that I can cling to the “living hope” of His inheritance, of future glory. We all can. His promises never fade, even in the darkest of nights -- or even in the darkest of years. We truly can live with "inexpressible and glorious joy" as we are being refined and made ready for the day when Jesus Christ is revealed!